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Рецензенты старший преподаватель кафедры английской филологии факультета ргф ивГУ, к ф. н
Is there humor in the workplace? Perhaps, engineer ing is too serious to be funny — or is it not? Do you know any science jokes? Read one below and get ready to tell your favorite jokes.
An assemblage of the most gifted minds in the world were all posed the following question:
“What is 2 x 2?”
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it’s old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces 3.99.
The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces, “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02”.
The mathematician cogitates for a while, oblivious to the rest of the world, then announces, “I don’t know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!”
Philosopher, “But what do you mean by 2 x 2?” Logician: “Please define 2x2 more precisely.”
Accountant closes all the doore and windows, looks around care fully, then asks, “What do you want the answer to be?”
Elementary school teacher from Columbus, Georgia, USA: 4
Electrical engineering vs. Computer science
Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king sum moned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. “What do you think this is?”
One advisor, an engineer, answered first. “It is a toaster, “ he said. The king asked, “How would you design an embedded computer for it?” The engineer replied, “Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I’ll show you a working prototype.”
The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such shortsighted thinking. He said, “Toasters don’t just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don’t look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years.
With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes.
The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without mul
tiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create, the proper object and send a message to the object that says, “Cook yourself.” The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs.
Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don’t want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too.
We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won’t buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message “Booting UNIX v.8.3” appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market). Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook.
Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8 MB of memory, a 30 MB hard disk, and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multi ple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit micro controller!).
The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all lived happily ever after.
EXERCISES
Find the equivalents to:
призвать; советник; снежно-белый; угольно-черный; встроенный; близорукий; множественное наследование; главное требование; па раллельная обработка; загрузка; ниспадающее меню; в стадии раз работки; многозадачный режим; стадия внедрения; легкое дело; обез главить.
What do these acronyms and abbreviations stand for:
GUI, MB, vs., VGA, UNIX, v.8.3.
Translate the text.
Compare other types of engineering with computer engineering.
Natural upgrade path
Come on people: you are all missing the most obvious upgrade path to the most powerful and satisfying computer of all. The upgrade path goes:
Pocket calculator
Commodore Pet / Apple II / TRS 80 / Commodore 64 / Timex Sinclair (Choose any of the above)
. IBM PC
Apple Macintosh
Fastest workstation of the time (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice)
Minicomputer (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice)
Mainframe (IBM, Cray, DEC: your choice)
And then you reach the pinnacle of modern computing facilities: Graduate students. Yes, you just sit back and do all of your comput ing through lowly graduate students. Imagine the advantages.
Multi-processing, with as many processes as you have students. You can easily add more power by promising more desperate undergrads that they can indeed escape college through your guidance. Special student units can even handle several tasks on their own!
Full voice recognition interface. Never touch a keyboard or mouse again. Just mumble commands and they will be understood (or else!).
No hardware upgrades and no installation required. Every student comes complete with all hardware necessary. Never again fry a chip or $10,000 board by improper installation!
Just sit that sniveling student at a desk, give it writing utensils (mak ing sure to point out which is the dangerous end) and off it goes.
Low maintenance. Remember when that hard disk crashed in your Beta 9900, causing all of our work to go the great bit bucket in the sky? This won’t happen with grad, students. All that is required is that you
give them a good whack on the head when they are acting up, and they will run good as new.
Abuse module. Imagine yelling expletives at your computer. Doesn’t work too well, because your machine just sits there and ignores you. Through the grad, student abuse module you can put the fear of god in them, and get results to boot!
Built-in lifetime. Remember that awful feeling two years after you bought your GigaPlutz mainframe when the new faculty member on the block sneered at you because his FeelyWup workstation could com pute rings around your dinosaur? This doesn’t happen with grad, stu dents. When they start wearing out and losing productivity, simply give them the Ph.D. and boot them out onto the street to fend for them selves. Out of sight, out of mind!
Cheap fuel: students run on Coca-Cola (or the high-octane equiva lent — Jolt Cola) and typically consume hot spicy Chinese dishes, cheap taco substitutes, or completely synthetic macaroni replacements. It is entirely unnecessary to plug the student into the wall socket (al though this does get them going a little faster from time to time).
Expansion options. If your grad, students don’t seem to be perform ing too well, consider adding a handy system manager or software engineer upgrade. These guys are guaranteed to require even less than a student, and typically establish permanent residence in the computer room. You’ll never know they are around! Note however that the engi neering department still hasn’t worked out some of the idiosyncratic bugs in these expansion options, such as incessant muttering at nobody in particular, occasionally screaming at your grad, students, and post ing ridiculous messages on worldwide bulletin boards.
So, forget your Babbage Engines, abacuses (abaci?), PortaBooks, DEK 666-3D’s, and all that other silicon garbage. The wave of the future is in wetware, so invest in graduate students today! You’ll never go back!
EXERCISES
Give synonyms to:
to upgrade, come on, choice, pinnacle, escape, built-in, to require, to yell, expletives, to abuse, to boot, to wear out, substitute, to work out, idiosyncratic, garbage, guidance.
Give antonyms to:
desperate, undergrads, powerful, proper, to consume, necessary, per manent, in particular, occasionally, natural, on one's own.
Answer the questions:
What are computing facilities?
What are the advantages of computing through undergraduate stu dents?
What is “wetware”?
What can be called “silicon garbage”?
What paths would you choose to upgrade your computer?
Mother should have warned you!
If you can count on one person in this life, it’s your mother. Par ticularly, you can rely on any mom anywhere to find the perils inher ent in any situation. Indeed, no self-respecting mom ever missed an opportunity to caution her children about the dangers of everything from comic books to pool halls, to public restrooms.
Still, unless your mom was a real visionary, she probably didn’t get much chance to warn you about PCs. Back when she was in peak nag ging form, she probably hadn’t even heard of the cursed things.
You may think that’s just as well. We don’t agree. The PC jungle is too scary to explore without knowing the answer to that comforting question, “What would mom say about this?”
So, after months of exhaustive polling of computer savvy moms around the country (there are more than you think), we’ve assembled the following list of ten PC perils your mom should have warned you about, if she’d only known. Take them seriously. Mom knows what she is talking about.
Playing too much Tetris will make you go blind. Go outside, get some fresh air. Do you want to look like a ghost all your life?
Never dial into strange bulletin board systems. Who knows what kind of riff-raff you’ll find there? Just last week, 1 saw a show about the kind of trash that hangs out on these systems. “Modem bums,” they’re called.
If they’re so interested in information, why don’t they go to the library?
Don’t talk on the phone and debut spreadsheet macros at the same time. It’s very rude, and frankly, I don’t like your language when the macro doesn’t work the way you think it should.
Clean up your hard disk. God foibid you should be in an accident and someone should see how sloppy your directories are.
You don’t have to rush out and buy every trendy new product. So what if all your friends are buying it and the word is it’ll be the next standard? You wouldn’t jump off a bridge just because every one else did, would you?
Be sure to write your name and phone number on all your floppy disk sleeves. That way, if they ever get mixed up with someone else’s, you can tell which ones are yours.
Never put a disk into your drive if you don’t know where it’s been. Your computer might catch a disease or something. Don’t laugh, it’s not funny. That’s what happened to the Kelly boy, and his PC hasn’t been the same since.
Sit up straight, and for heaven’s sake, not so close to that monitor screen. What do you want to do, go blind and look like a pretzel?
Always keep your icons and windows neatly arranged. A cluttered desktop metaphor is the sign of a cluttered mind.
Always eat your vegetables. Okay, so it doesn’t have anything to do with computers, it’s good advice anyway. And who said mothers had to be consistent?
EXERCISES
Find the equivalents to:
упустить возможность; присущий; фантазер; получить шанс; утомительный; "кумекающие” в компьютерах (жарг.); ослепнуть; мусор; электронная доска объявлений; очистить; наклейка на диске те; хороший совет; в любом случае; последовательный.
Give synonyms to:
to caution, danger, public restrooms, to nag, peak, to curse, riff-raff, bums, debut, sloppy, trendy, cluttered, consistent.
Answer the questions:
What do all mums usually warn their children about?
What were you warned about when a child?
What advice did you take seriously?
What are the Top Ten PC Perils in your opinion?
What of them would you warn your children about?
BILL GATES IN HEAVEN Bill Gates died and, much to everyone’s surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.Heaven’s reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were com monplace. Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like Woodstock gone metastatic.Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.“Hello,” said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. “My name is Gabriel and I’ll be your induction coordinator.” Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. “No, I’m not the Archangel Gabriel. I’m just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name fust, unless you were Chinese in which case its first name first”“Gates, Bill.” Gabriel started searching through the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill’s Record of Earthly Works.“What’s going on here?” asked Bill. “Why are all these people here? Where’s Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?”Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill’s records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise, “It says here that you were the presi dent of a large software company. Is that right?”“Yes.”“Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter busi ness started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Come on, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn’t say ‘like rabbits’. With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?”“1 guess not”.“You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions.” Gabriel looked through his paperwork some more, and then continued, “Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you’ll be getting a plum job assignment”“Job assignment?”“Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to put your weight around here!” Gabriel took out atri plicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. “Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham.” Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him, “No,- he’s not that Abraham.”Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.“Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infra structure,” explained Abraham. “As you’ve seen, we’re still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries.”“I had to wait three weeks?” said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill angri ly, and Bill realized that he’d made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it’s best not to contradict a bureaucrat.” Well, Bill offered, “maybe that Bosnia thing has you, guys, backed up.”Abraham’s look of anger faded to mere annoyance. “Your job will be to supervise Heaven’s new data processing center. We’re building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connect ed by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works.”Bill could barely contain his excitement “Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven! ““We’re just finishing construction, and we’ll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go to the center now?”“You bet!”Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven’s new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million........ Power PC’s........ all running Mac/OS? Not an Intel PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. - “What about PCs???” he exclaimed. “What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???”“You’re forgetting something”, said Abraham.“What’s that?” asked Bill plaintively.“This is Heaven,” explained Abraham. “We need an operating sys tem that’s heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then ........ GO TO HELL!
Can you do a better translation?
OA programmers
OA young programmers began to work online,One didn’t pay for Internet, and then there were 9.9 young programmers used copies that they made,But one was caught by FBI, and then there were 8.
young programmers discussed about heaven,
One said, “It’s Windows 95!”, and then there were 7,
young programmers found bugs they want to fix,
But one was fixed by the bug, and then there were 6.
young programmers were testing the hard drive,
One got the string “Format complete”, and then there were 5,
young programmers were running the FrontDoor,
The BBS of one was hacked, and then there were 4.
young programmers worked using only C,
One said some good about Pascal, and then there were 3.
young programmers didn’t know what to do,
One tried to call the on-line help, and then there were 2,
young programmers were testing what they done,
One got a virus in his brain, and then there was 1.
I young programmer was as mighty as a hero,
But tried to speak with user, and then there was 0.
Boss cried: “Oh, where is the program we must have?!” And fired one programmer, and then there were FF.
0A программистов
0A программистов продукт решили сделать.
1 спросил: «А деньги где?» и их осталось девять.
программистов предстали перед боссом 1 из них не знал foxpro и их осталось восемь.
программистов купили IBM.
I из них сказал «Мае — класс!» и их осталось семь.
программ истов решили help прочесть.
У одного накрылся винт и их осталось шесть.
программистов пытались код понять.
1 из них сошёл с ума и их осталось пять.
программистов купили CD-ROM.
1 принёс китайский диск — остались вчетвером.
программиста работали на «С».
1 из них хвалил PASCAL и их осталось три.
программиста играли в сетке в «DOOM».
чуть-чуть замешкался и счёт стал равен двум.
программиста набрали дружно «WIN».
1 устал загрузки ждать — остался лишь один.
I программист всё взял под свой контроль,
Но встретился с заказчиком и их осталось ноль.
0 программистов ругал сердитый шеф, потом уволил одного и стало их FF!!!
What if Dr. Suess wrote a manual?
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort.And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash,Then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!If the label on the cable on the table at your house,Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,And your screen is all distorted by the side effect of Gauss,So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,’Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAMyour ROM.Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.А если бы доктор Суэз написал инструкцию?Если вдруг пакет программный вас решится обобрать,И от прерываний шина станет вдруг озорничать,Если память с дисководом станут люто воевать,Вам ни денег, ни железа, ни покоя не видать.Если вдруг в меню стандартном ваш курсор начнет шалить, И двойной щелчок иконку сразу может удалить,И мозги у базы данных перестанут вдруг варить,Это значит, все пропало, безвозвратно, может быть.Если надпись на коробке может дельный дать совет,И мышиный коврик даже подключиться в Internet,А несносные программы вам откажут делово,Видите ли, протокол им не подходит. Каково?Если вид у монитора как в разбитые очки,И по плоскости экрана расплываются значки,Выключайте свой компьютер и идите погулять.Я уверен, он не станет ладить с вами. Его ...!Если от резервных копий прохудится гибкий диск,И ассемблерные вставки повышают резко риск,Лучше вы сотрите память, отпаяйте ПЗУ —Бесполезное железо вам, конечно, ни к чему. |
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